Living a life of sobriety is like living a double life for me. Of course my family know that I had a problem with drink but my co-workers and new friends don’t.
In the past, I mixed with people who were drinkers. That is pretty much how it went. To be honest, I didn’t really have much in common with those who didn’t drink. Why would I? I thought they were boring. I couldn’t imagine living a life with alcohol. Now that I don’t drink, I don’t gravitate to drinkers anymore. Why? Because they don’t interest me anymore. Even though I don’t feel like drinking anymore, I don’t think it would be a good idea to be surrounded by alcohol/alcoholics on a regular basis.
I frequently enjoy sobriety but I acknowledge the huge transformation one has to undergo in order to stay successfully sober. Sobriety is not as simple as just giving up alcohol. Your internal mechanism must change too. It can be really hard. I do truly feel like I am living a double life sometimes. There is the outside me, what I show people of myself, my reactions, what I talk about, how I act and then there is the inner me. The inner me is always trying to adapt, to catch up, to learn, to change, to conquer, to keep going. Most days I can handle it but some days it just feels like too much.
When the days catch up with me and I feel like I can’t do this anymore, I ask myself why I am doing this. Why am I staying sober? Why do I keep going? What is the point of all of this? Am I really happier now that I am sober?
Depending just how bad I feel, I may think sobriety is just not worth it and life is totally crap without the edge taken off it. But even then, I don’t reach for the bottle.
What keeps me going is the hope that life will get better. I look back and see that even though I don’t always feel like it, I have made really good progress. I am a changed person in so many ways. I experience long spells of time when I don’t just feel good, I feel great. I am growing slowly but surely and inside I feel strongly that to drink again would finish me off for good. I don’t think I could handle a relapse. I have never had one since I quit drinking and it scares the life out of me to think it could happen.
Life does get better in sobriety. In the early days, my mood was changeable by the hour, at least now I have a good few months at a time. I know that the longer I carry on, the longer the good times will last. That is why I keep going in sobriety.
I read over this post and I see my thoughts darting all over the place, that is how sobriety is in the early days. You are all over the place!