I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to read the bible, or write in Recovery Princess.
I don’t know if I should decide to study or if I should wait for a God signal.
I am feeling unsure about making the right life decisions.
Thoughts about living the fleshy life versus living the road less travelled kind of life are playing in my mind.
I am trying to live sober, learning how to live sober.
I am learning to have faith and I am learning how to be a Christian.
My mind is a bunch of contradictions right now.
Until now, I have been focused on living life sober and doing it my way. Then I became a Christian which was not in my original sobriety plan so now, as well as trying to live a good sober life, I am also learning as much as I can about having a relationship with God through Jesus Christ.
My mind is boggling. Is that a word? Well that is how I feel.
I thought I was doing a good job of mixing sobriety and faith, then life happened. Our circumstances changed, for the better, but instead of feeling satisfied I am now feeling in limbo.
I am spending a lot of time second guessing myself. I worry about making the right decisions in life and feel uncertainty about which direction I should take.
Christmas bought along the usual stresses and then some. Financially we were completely strapped, we were downsizing, I was studying, we were trying to settle the kids into a new neighborhood. I felt so overwhelmed.
I chose to put my faith in God rather than stress out. I prayed more, read the Bible more often and tried to trust in the plan for my life.
This way of putting my trust in God was working well for me until I recently began second guessing everything again.
I hate it when I get like this. Worried and fretful. It does nothing to help anything.
My plan to ease this tension is to be kind to myself, later this year I will be 3 years sober. I should be content and happy with this. It is better for me to count the good things that have come from my sobriety.
I have finally grown immensely. I wish I could tell you that sobriety is easy but it most certainly is not. It is work, hard work, and I think that you need to be determined to want real change and a better life for yourself if you really have any chance of lasting sobriety.
I remember when I first got sober, I wanted to read everything I could get my hands on about how to get sober, I read one book called ‘Seven Weeks to Sobriety’ (recommended read!) and something in the first chapter got my attention and frightened the life out of me…it was dedicated to telling the reader about just how bad the odds were of someone really and truly staying sober forever after quitting alcohol. I was really upset by it, frustrated by it and scared by it. There was no two ways about it, I was an alcoholic for sure. Not a down and out kind but my inner life was in ruins and it was getting harder and harder to live any kind of normal life, I could not control myself in the way that I knew I should. I was quick to anger, I lacked patience, I had no trust in anybody, I was sad, depressed, lonely and pathetic. So when I read this book in about week 2 of my sobriety, I was pretty crushed and I thought that there was no hope for me. After all, I had drunk for most of my life, alcohol fuelled living was ingrained in my being. I decided that I wouldn’t be one of those statistics in the book, I didn’t know how I would stay sober but I made a mental decision not to end up as one of those people talked about in the book. I think the fear that got hold of me the most was the one about mental health. Much research shows that one of the main reasons alcoholics are unable to stay sober is because they can’t handle the emotional and behavioral problems they are left with after years of abusing alcohol. The coping mechanism is gone when you stop drinking alcohol so what do you replace it with over the long-term? I didn’t know how I was going to manage those problems within myself but I don’t think I allowed myself to dwell on that issue for too long simply because I had no idea what the answer was.
So in hindsight, I realize that I should give myself a break now, pat myself on the back, relax and recognize that it is ok to get frustrated and feel lost from time to time, I think even so-called ‘normal’ (non alcoholic people) feel that way too. There will be a way forward for me but I don’t need to know the exacts of what, when and how right here and now. I should do what I did back when I first got sober and take it one day at a time. Do my best for today and not think too far into the future. One day at a time sounds like AA, but actually I have not been to AA. No offense to AA but I just did not want to go to meetings. I am off to read some of Ephesians, it is amazing and I am going to pat myself on the back for taking some action and writing the first post in a long time on Recovery Princess.
I should end by saying that my life, both my inner and outer worlds are a million miles better than they were when I was drinking. I am a changed person and I love life, there is so much I want to do (so much that I can’t decide what EXACTLY it is that I want to do) and I know now that I have the real opportunity to do these things. I used to have hope, now I have faith and I often experience Joy. Not too shabby!