Welcome to Day 2 of “30 Days to a Better Life in Sobriety”

Today the theme for this post is CHANGE…

Before I got sober, I began writing out my hopes and dreams. In order to clarify what I wanted, I pounded out a series of “I am…” statements, which turned into what I now call my “life list”.  This was a simple yet powerful method of sewing the seeds for a new beginning in my life.

When you learn anything new, repetition is essential, for this reason, I would read and add to my statement list every day.

This is not a magic trick, or some kind of gimmick. This is one of the tools that I used every day during the first part of my sobriety and continue to use from time to time.

Remember all the dreaming from yesterday? I hope you wrote a ton of stuff down because you are going to need it today.

For every dream, desire, or need or want that you compiled yesterday, write an ‘I am…”  or present tense sentence for each one.

Some examples:

• I am sober
• I am healthy
• I am physically fit
• I have good friends
• I take care of my health and appearance
• I have a zero tolerance policy for alcohol
• I am respected by my friends and family
• I am patient, kind and caring
• I am concerned about others
• I have my own business
• I am training for a marathon
• I am financially secure
• I have paid off debts
• I seek help for my problems
• I am happy
• I am curious, interested and enjoy learning new things

Write as many “I am…” statements as you possibly can. Add to this list whenever you think of something new. Keep this note with you over the next 28 days and be sure to read it to yourself everyday.

See you for Day 3!

“From Small Beginnings Come Great Things”

I am thinking that you are either…..

Still drinking and thinking/needing/wanting to get sober

Or

Newly sober, trying to stay that way and could use all the help you can get…

Or

Been sober for 1 year or more and are proactively looking for ways to improve your life in sobriety

Or

All other kinds of people and situations and somehow landed on this page.

With that in mind;

Let’s start with the big picture. Just for a moment forget who you are, what you have done, and who you have become. Instead let’s go straight to fantasy land and begin thinking about the seemingly impossible.

It’s time to get our imaginative juices flowing and consider all possibilities without hesitation.

Consider these questions:

• What do you want?
• Who do you want to be?
• Where do you want to go?
• What do you want others to think about you?
• What do you want to be remembered for?
• What would you love to do if money was no object?
• Which kinds of people inspire you?
• If you could be best friends with anyone in the world from any time period, who would it be and why?
• What qualities do you admire in others and want for yourself?
• What did you love to do in your childhood?
• What were your hobbies?
• What were your dreams?
• Who and what did you want to become when you grew older?
• What makes you laugh?
• What is your favorite color, animal, number, country?
• Do you like walking, hiking, biking, berry picking, visiting zoos, eating candy, zip lining, parachuting, sailing, driving, hot weather, cold weather, snorkeling, beaches, lakes, golf, arranging flowers, visiting new places, meeting new people, history, reading, cooking, exercise, being competitive?
• Are you introverted, extroverted?
• Is family important to you?
• Are friends important to you?
• Are you religious, spiritual?
• Do you like journaling, meditating, watching movies, planting vegetable gardens, talking about politics?
• Would you like to travel and see Europe, Bali, India or Italy?
• Are you interested in sports?
• How important is money to you?
  etc, etc, etc……

There are enough questions here to really get you thinking about what you want.

It is time to get writing…It is not enough to sit and think about this (although it can’t hurt), expressing your thoughts, wants, needs and desires using the written or typed word makes a huge impact on your thought process. Ask yourself the questions above and begin creating a new life for yourself inside your imagination.

If  writing is not your thing, you could read these questions and think about them while you take a long walk/have some time to yourself.

The point of today is to allow yourself to dream and recreate your life no matter what your situation. As long as you have an imagination, you can do this just for today.

Get started and I will see you back here tomorrow! Have fun, remember this is about who you are right now at this very moment, forget the past just for a little bit.

For me, it is about wanting a better life and being all that I can be now that I am finally sober!

This is not professional help. If you need professional help please contact your doctor.

I have been debating whether to write this series of posts or not for a while now and I have decided to just take the plunge. After all, the whole point of this website is to share the journey, good and bad through my sobriety.

I am now nearing my 4th year of sobriety and whilst the urge for a drink has for the most part disapeared from my daily life, I still struggle with handling real life everyday at times.

It still amazes me how ignorant I was to life around me (or selfish would probably be more appropriate…not that I intended to be!) I had this moment again yesterday when I was reminded that “normal” people have their problems too. (normal being the non drinkers or those who don’t have an alcohol problem).

I honestly didn’t understand much about the sober world, I really didn’t, after all, I began drinking in my early teens and that was how I progressed until nearly 4 years ago. Also, I was surrounded by others who drank like I did. I suppose that is what you do when you are an alcoholic, it really wouldn’t be much fun to be drunk around a sober person.

There are many days in my sobriety that I think I must have been one of the dumbest people on earth when I was drinking, I was oblivious and blind to so much of what was going on around me. In many ways I feel like I am living my teen years over again in the sense that I want to experience all that life has to offer…the sober way, probably much like a young teen who is experiencing life as a growing adult with eyes wide open, making choices, weighing all the options, learning from those who are around, wanting to create an amazing life, feeling hopeful, learning to navigate through the ups and downs, so much of what I do now makes me wonder if I am in fact only now going through my young adolescence in the way it was supposed to be. (although with more wisdom than the average teen, not necessarily brains!).

This all may be too much for some of you who are reading this, maybe you can not relate to any of this and your experience has been totally different. I think those who will understand most are those who began their drinking career at some point in the early teens and didn’t give up alcohol until their 30′s, 40′s and so on.

I think that my 30 day approach to a better life in sobriety will be for those who are already sober, newly sober or those who are contemplating sobriety but are still drinking, also, this is absolutely for those who are like me and have a few years of sobriety under their belt.

My apprehension about doing this comes down a few things that have been flitting through my mind;

Can I really do something for 30 days? What if I get a depressive episode and have nothing to say? Will anyone benefit from what I think or say? What if I just can’t do it?

All of these thoughts remind me of the many years that I thought about giving up drinking alcohol. I thought the same kind of things, would I really be able to give up drinking? What would others think? What if I can’t do it? what if I don’t see it through? all these thoughts are founded from the same place…a place of fear…so I know that I have been able to get sober, maintain sobriety and turn a new leaf in my life so why can’t I propose “30 Days to a better life in Sobriety”? to be honest, this is as much for me as it is for anyone out there who reads it.

I have found that sobriety and life is circular, you tend to go through many cycles. I have good times, bad times, ok times and then it all happens again, good times, bad times, ok times. What I am learning now is that you can’t stop the bad times, you can certainly handle the ok times and that you always love the good times. Sometimes, thinking this way actually helps me when going through the bad times.

What are the bad times? These are anything that makes you and me feel off, trying to conquer the days when the only thought you have is…what if I have one drink, or, feeling like you don’t want to do anything or go anywhere or speak to anyone.

The bad times are when someone or something in your life is not within your control and you feel powerless and annoyed. The bad times can be when you think of your past and you just can’t let it go, or you want answers for why you are the way you are.

What I want to do, is to create a backup plan for when the bad times hit, or for when you know you are going to be challenged somehow. Even before I finally got sober, I had some kind of plan…this was just before I got sober….it was the plan that finally got me started on a new path.

30 days to a better life in sobriety is not a promise, it is an action plan, a self discovery process, and hopefully a tool that can be used time and time again as we go through the cycles of life.

So here goes! This was the intro and tomorrow will be day 1 of “30 days to a better life in sobriety”.

Here is what I just did….instead of hitting the “publish” button, I hit “save draft”..isn’t that so typical?…why do it today? I’ll do it tomorrow when I am more prepared. How many times did I say that to myself about getting sober?!

Well that was the old me and this is the new me, so with that, I am going to hit “PUBLISH”!!!

this is unscripted and loosely planned out in my somewhat chaotic sober mind so who knows where this might end…I know one thing, it will surely be a more positive place than the end of a bottle or a glass!

Stick with me and give me feedback along the way!!

Thanks and good luck!

As you may have noticed, I am not even spellchecking this..still stalling for more time! Here goes…

It has been way to long since I last wrote in Recovery Princess. I wanted to update you with what has been going on in my world of sobriety.

I am nearly at 4 years of sobriety…I think…how amazing, I am sitting here wondering if I am in the 4th year of sobriety or the 3rd year of sobriety, who would have ever thought that?!

A couple of things spring to mind right now….lately, I have seen how some of the people I know who are regular alcohol abusers, are having to stop drinking alcohol for health reasons. The time has simply come when their bodies just will not tolerate it. Diabetes type 2 has been rearing its head in some that I know, apparently a pretty common side effect of long-term alcohol abuse but something that I was completely ignorant too while I was drinking. I always thought I was too young for anything like that to happen. The funny thing is that time ALWAYS creeps up on you.

When I hear these situations, I am reminded of how fortunate I am that I have already quit drinking alcohol. I can’t say that I did it completely due to my own choice, more my mental health and my family needed sobriety.

The other thing is that I find myself thinking that living sober can be quite boring. As soon as I write that I feel like I have to jump in and also say that I think life is what you make it. Maybe by saying that living sober can be quite boring I really mean that making a huge effort to have a full, interesting and rewarding life can be hard. Notice that I don’t say impossible though!

I think what I find difficult as a sober woman, is learning how to cope with life while sober. I don’t think life is easy for anyone, some people certainly seem to have more than their fair share of luck and then others seem to have more bad luck. Sober or Drunk, life is a complicated journey for everyone to go through. Many times I just feel ill-equipped to handle certain issues. My patience and frustration levels I am sure are higher than those of a ”regular person” and my insecurity and  low self-esteem (although growing in leaps and bounds since giving up alcohol) still cause me to sink into mini depressions pretty often and especially when going through challenging times. I suppose though I am no different from anyone with any kind of challenge.

This brings me to the next kind of observation about being sober. I realize now that I am not so unique. That there are in fact 100′s and 1000′s of people struggling with 1000′s of different issues none of which have anything to do with being sober of battling alcoholism. I guess I have arrived at a place now where I can see life far more fully that I ever could before because although my life is still challenging, I am far less self-absorbed than I was when I was an active alcoholic. That really is one of the traits that I kind of despise about alcoholism. It just makes us so selfish, so focused on our problems, our pain, our troubles, and often every minute of the day..the other part of it though, is that when I did drink and get past the pain I was feeling, then I would love the feeling of just being drunk and carefree so then you become even more selfish because you are just caring about having a good time all the time. Such a vicious cycle!

Anyway, when I put everything in perspective and actually think of how far I have come over the last 3 nearly 4 years, I know wholeheartedly that giving up drinking alcohol was the single best decision of my entire life to date. Without that choice, I hate to think what my life today would be like. Not to mention how much damage I would have done to my children.

I just think that no matter what stage of your alcoholism you are in. If you have the slightest inclination to stop drinking (and reading this, I think you probably do), then you should do everything in your power to try to do so. Go to your doctor, go to AA, join an online support group, go to the library or bookstore and read other people’s success stories, lean on supportive friends and families. I know that for me, real change actually happened for me once I had tried to give up drinking a few times. Until you attempt to give up drinking you are never going to. Don’t do it alone though because it can be dangerous. Go and see your doctor first.

I just want to add that I have been amazed at how many visits Recovery Princess receives. Even though I don’t post here as often as I used too, so many people arrive at this site because of the search terms they are looking for. I feel great that I did what I set out to do which was share my journey of alcohol recovery for others who wanted to embark and get help on the same journey. Any of you can do this too!

I simply started a WordPress blog and began expressing my experience with whoever wanted to read. I have to say that in the early days of my sobriety, this was an amazing outlet for me and had huge positive effects in my own sobriety. I needed Recovery Princess to keep me sober some days. Maybe you could try your hand at something like this too! If you do, please share with all the readers!

Say yes to life, sobriety and healing!

Happy New Year!

Well maybe I should explain myself better.  What I am talking about it this; I am sober now and have been for nearly 4 years. I am pretty much past the stage of needing, wanting or craving a drink on a daily basis. I have come pretty far and I truly realize that when I do get that fleeting craving, it is not so much the drink that I want but I want something to go away, a feeling or a thought or maybe a person.

I know that when I want a drink it is a signal to myself that alerts me that there is something going on in my life that I do not know how to handle.

So anyway, I am quite happily getting along in my sober life and life is going pretty good. I am focused on today, the future, and basically good stuff. This is the fun part of sobriety, you do have some really good times. But then someone rears their head from my past. We have an argument and things get heated, we exchange some pretty mean snipes at each other and once it is all over, I am left with the most awful of feelings and thoughts.

It was like a vacuum sucked me back in time and I even became a lot like I used to be when I drank.

I had many a good time when I drank but put me with people that I didn’t really respect or like for whatever reason then I would always be up for a good argument. That side of me when drinking was definitely one of the more troublesome aspects. I would often lose that self control you usually have and blurt out a bunch of stuff that I thought but absolutely should not say out loud to someone.

So after all spending most of this year clapping myself on the back and pretty much thinking that although I experience ups and downs, I pretty much was making great progress, you know, feeling like I was a changed person and that this was only going to get better and better.

Then I find myself in this quite unexpected turn of events that has left me mad as ever, really po’ed and feeling like a complete and utter failure. Mix in the guilt that every sober alcoholic lives with a stressful time of year and you get one depressed sober person.

The good thing about having bad times is that you simply can’t just continue on, you have to stop, reflect, analyse, and really try to be honest with yourself. But it also makes you realise just how human and imperfect we are too and often without much self control.

I didn’t drink, I am smart enough to know that it would have solved nothing but I am still a little shocked about what happenned to me. I lost my cool and it was kind of scary because I really don’t want to be like that anymore.

Maybe the past bit my on the butt this week because I needed it for more growth? I really am going to put it down to that because for sure it is in the hard times when you get real and learn lessons.

Sorry if this was a bit cryptic but I am sure you will get the jist.

I just wanted to share this because we all go through hard times but we don’t have to drink to get through it, even when it seems like the most inviting thing to do.

What helped me get through this little episode? Writing, it always helps. Sharing like I am doing right now, getting in touch with my faith and beliefs and praying alot, and adopting an attitude of “I know that this will pass over soon’ because in my experience the bad days always do pass.

This is shared from the November 6th page of “Leadership: Promises for Every Day” A Daily Devotional by John C. Maxwell taken from his book “The Maxwell Leadership Program”:

“A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds” Proverbs 31:10

The Proverb describes a virtuous women, who leads her home with integrity, discipline, and giftedness. Like all leaders, this wife and mother is a leader not because she tries to be one, but because of who she is.

(I am going to interject here. I would like to add “Like all leaders, this woman, wife, mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, friend, step-mother, daughter, niece, cousin, EVERY WOMAN!)

Her Assets:

1. She is trustworthy
2. She is a positive influence
3. She is a hard worker
4. She is a planner
5. She is protective

Her Achievements:

1. She meets the needs of her home
2. She invests for her household
3. She keeps herself in shape
4. She helps her husband become successful (My interjection here: Take this or leave it according to your own personal situation or change the word ‘husband’ to ‘partner’ friend, or whom ever plays an important role in your life.)

Her Attitudes

1. Delightful
2. Healthy
3. Compassionate
4. Unselfish
5. Public

Her Applause:

1. From her family
2. From her husband
3. From God’s word
4. From her works

Thank you John C. Maxwell for this page in your devotional!!!

Look, this may not be for all of you who are reading this. Maybe you don’t even believe in God nor do you want to have anything to do with what is in the Bible. To be honest, I was the same for a very long time. But, my purpose in sharing this with you is to help set some standards for yourself.

If I had of read this Proverb 5 years ago, I would have been somewhat horrified with myself. 5 years ago, I was not sober, I was drinking heavily and was having huge trouble keeping it all together. I think if I had read this back then it would have caused to immediate reactions:

1. Absolute guilt, followed by
2. A desire to change for the better

I believe that inside any alcoholic or person struggling with an addiction is the desire to be better. To be free from the pain that they are masking with alcohol, and to be free from alcoholism. I know that I had that hidden desire for years and years even though I didn’t actually stop drinking until 17 years after I first began drinking.

Having goals, setting standards and being aware can all help set the framework for a new life in sobriety. Again, this is how I started. I had the awareness of my awful alcoholic habit, I had the horror of how I felt when I woke up each day. I had the aloneness of alcoholism.

I began taking some small steps toward changing some of my bad habits and I continued toward my aspiration of becoming more than a sad alcoholic woman. I wanted to be happy, healthy, fulfill my dreams, start over, become new, wake up feeling good, feel healthy, lose the guilt. Then it happened!

Did I create my own sobriety? Was it divine intervention? Did God hear my cries?

I think it was a little of all of these things.

Anyway, read the above Proverb regardless of your religious beliefs and see it for what it is…a calling to be more than your affliction!

• “When you cry out to the God of your childhood, you will be answered” Kelsey Grammar on Piers Morgan said something to this effect and it reminded me of my own desperate plea towards the end of my drinking days.  The full interview is worth watching/listening to as Kelsey Grammar has quite a life story to reveal. He talks of his own battles with addiction and the reasons for why he took this path and also why and how he got back on track. If you think you’ve had it bad, then this interview is a must for you!

Will I lose my friends if I get sober?

I think I have.

It happened suddenly, not losing my friends but the realization that I may have lost my friends now that I am sober.

It doesn’t happen in the way that you might think, rather it happens slowly but surely.

There is no outright conversation….”We can’t be friends anymore because I am going to be so screwed up trying to right myself that I won’t even have the time or effort to put into our friendship anymore”… No.  It happens more like this….

You are getting more comfortable in sobriety. Living a sober life is the norm now. You have more good days than you have bad ones but the bad ones still rear their ugly heads more than you would like them too. You have been through many phases in sobriety many of which involve self reflection and many of which have involved careful scrutiny of the company of you have kept over the years. Whilst this has been going on, you have kept your distance from those who you once spent all your drinking hours with. Before you know it, years have passed and you have had pretty minimal contact with these friends even though they are important to you. This has been more about you than them. This is typical sobriety, the need to find a mental home for everyone and everything and every experience you have ever had. Sobriety is like doing a giant puzzle piece by piece. It takes time and patience and lots of starting over. (well we don’ start puzzles over but you know what I mean!)

One day you get on Facebook, ready to face the old again and you see that these friends of yours are living their life and you are no longer a part of it. It is not their fault nor yours, it is the inevitable consequence of going in two separate directions.

Ok, so this is not everyone’s experience. But the truth of the matter is that you will lose friends when you get sober. In so many ways it is impossible for you to constantly remain around these people if they were integral in your drinking life.

I say all this but I also believe that if you have a true friendship then that friendship will overcome anything…even the time it takes for you to get your head back together in sobriety….and that can be a long time!

My story of friendships throughout sobriety is this:

I had a great bunch of friends, friends who I had known since my childhood and some I met at varying stages of adulthood. Most of the time we spent together involved drinking alcohol purely because that was what we enjoyed doing together. Drinking alcohol was a lifestyle.

When I stopped drinking alcohol, everything changed for me internally. Suddenly I had to face a whole host of things that I had ignored for a very long time. I had questions to answer to myself….Why do I need alcohol to get through each day? Why have I been living like this for so long? What has alcohol taken from me? Has my life benefited from my drinking habits? Am I happy with who I am today? Is my drinking having an ill effect on anyone around me? Who am I? Who am I going to be if I stop drinking? What do I want my life to look like? Can I stop drinking forever? What will my friends think of me? Will my friends still like me? Will I still like my friends? on and on and on the questions came…What pain am I trying to cover up with alcohol abuse?

Look, when you start on the journey of sobriety, you are in for a rough start. Not only do you have a million questions to answer and figure out, but you have to learn new habits to replace the old ones, you have to get through the awful phase of getting through the day without giving into the overwhelming desire to drink alcohol. You have to set new routines, go through emotional anguish, experience some depression and even grief for your old life, you have to start over and begin making a whole new you. As you can see, the complexities of sobriety leave little time for friendships, especially those with friends who are drinkers. At first it is just to hard to even spend time with people who drink.

A good friend will understand why your relationship has faded away somewhat but that doesn’t mean that they won’t be hurt. Sobriety certainly can mean that you many lose some friends in sobriety but hopefully it won’t be forever.

So much of what I have written may seem negative. I don’t want you to be disillusioned with sobriety because of what I have written. I am just being honest and realistic. When trying to explain what it is like to get sober, I think of the expressions “emotional flooding” and “mental overload”. This is because sobriety is about work that is to be done. You need to work on yourself and create a more meaningful life in sobriety, one that is real. A life that you can be proud of rather than ashamed of.

Since becoming sober, I have made some new friends. All of my new friends are either non-drinkers or only drink on occasion. I wouldn’t have it any other way at this stage in my life. I enjoy my friends very much and I love the friendships that I have.

My friendships from the past are the ones that touch my heart the most, these are the people who know me from old, who understand me and were there through the ugly years. We had good times, bad times and many crazy times. They will always be special to me. As I continue in my sobriety, I hope one day to be able to repair these friendships, I hope they will not be lost forever.

I am happier today than I have ever been. Sober, happy and challenged. How about you?

I have been living my life for other people. I have been pandering to all, I have been trying to be someone I am not, I have been confusing myself, belittling myself, allowing others to take charge in my life, being passive, insecure, feeling inferior and blah blah blah…. Welcome to the wonderful world of feeling screwed up in sobriety!

Here is my ramble for you:

Sobriety will wreak havoc with your confidence..at least that is what I have found. In many ways I have not had much self confidence but in other ways I do have a steely determination.

When I was younger I was pretty shy, comfortable around those who I liked and knew well, and giggly but quiet around those I was unsure about.

Then I drank alcohol, the miracle wonder drink that changed my life forever.

I can not say that alcohol was all bad. If I am honest, I would say that I had some of the best days of my life imbibed and with friends.

Some days, certainly recently, I have been through an awful phase of being judgemental. Just horrible. I am not quite sure who I became. Looking back it felt like I was some kind of witchy school master. I think I am nearer to being over it although I am not sure I have maintained all my friendships throughout it.

Being in a constant sobriety (now in my fourth year), is such a weird experience. You know those times when your mind is driving you crazy and you can’t relax and you are just glad it is the end of the day when you can have a beer, or a glass of wine, or a tipple of your favorite scotch, then you have one or two and that feeling goes away? Well, that time never comes. You can’t just switch your mind off with a drink, you can’t just forget all your worries for a while. You have to find another way.

I sometimes wonder if recovering alcoholics are really that much different from “regular” non alcoholic people. I mean, obviously we are because our minds have been fogged for so long but I mean we all go through similar states of mind regardless of whether we were alcoholics or not.

When I first seriously considered sobriety, I thought that stopping drinking would solve all of my problems. How naive I was. What I really discovered was that I had been taking the easier way out of things….never facing anything, solving anything, naturally overcoming anything. I never did this, I handled almost everything with the use of alcohol. Celebrations, commiserations, boredom, happiness, winter, summer, make ups, break ups, I really never experienced the natural cycle of the events in my life.

Now I am experiencing them alright and sometimes I feel on top of the world and other times I just wonder what the hell this whole life is about….my point is, I think that most people go through this not just recovering alcoholics.

Back to my judgemental mind of late…I think that I was feeling so hideous about myself and confused about my place in life right now, that I began to only see the negative in people. I suppose the reality is that I have been going through some depressive bouts.

One of the hardest things about being sober is finding your identity again. Learning how to relate to people again, build relationships and simply learning to have fun.

Finding your identity in sobriety is so difficult because you were a different person when you drank. Anyone who is sober will quickly realize the influence of alcohol on your personality. You change somewhat. Not the essence of you but a part of you changes. You become serious..hence the word “sober” (look it up!).

You don’t have to become a boring confused hermit when you get sober but you do have to go through tons of mental crap and self discovery to truly find yourself again.

I almost hate writing “find yourself”. Right now I am leaning more toward “reinventing yourself”.  Just like the seasons come and go, so will your moods, there will be good times and bad but change, reinvention and self assessment will go a along way to improving your life.

I went to a party today and was once again reminded of how different I am compared to how I used to be. Maybe I should be saying how differently I feel now compared to when I was drinking.

I had many good times whilst drinking. I used to love meeting up with my friends, drinking loads of wine, partying, socializing, getting together and talking about all kinds of things and basically feeling relaxed and at ease with everything.

Now look, I am not saying that my drinking life was all good either. I am simply acknowledging that there were good times and when there was a party, I loved being a drinker…until the party was over and I wasn’t ready to stop!

What I am mulling over today is how I find it hard to enjoy myself at a party without alcohol. I don’t have my secret weapon anymore. The one that would loosen my tongue, help me to be popular, chatty and funny…..at least that was what I used to think. And to some degree it was true. Alcohol released a side of me that was very different to who I naturally am. Getting used to how I feel in different situations, especially social ones, is still not easy.

It is not that I don’t enjoy myself anymore, I just find being with people much harder work than I used to. To be honest, when I was drinking I really wasn’t thinking about anyone else, I was just doing my thing, knocking back drinks, talking about who knows what and as long as the drinks kept flowing I was ok.

Towards the end of my drinking days, the alcohol definitley stopped doing it’s magic for me. It stopped working. Instead I felt awful. I would feel angry, anxious, emotional, it didn’t give me the feel good feeling that I chased for years. That was part of the reason why I knew I had to stop.

So I was thinking about this predicament that I find myself in nowadays. Half enjoying myself, half not enjoying myself without alcohol. I realized that I can not judge my whole life as a sober person based on a few parties here and there. Maybe instead of fighting how I truly feel I should just acknowledge to myself that this is one of the cons of my sobriety for me but, if I look at the whole picture of my life and the people in it, the pro’s that come from me being sober far outweigh how I personally feel on occasion.

One of the perks of being sober is that you become less selfish. Your focus begins to switch more to the needs of other people. You begin to see the world and the people around you in a more realistic way.

Being a drunk is like living in a bubble, you live in your own little world. You are able to sugar coat many things. Being sober is the opposite. Your eyes are open to everything about yourself and those around you. Sometimes it is not nice to admit or notice your shortcomings or someone elses for that matter, but as long as you are sober, you can’t stuff all those negative thoughts down somewhere deep. You have to let them surface, acknowledge them, then find a place to put them.

I was thinking about all of the above from two viewpoints; from a sober mother’s point of view and from someone who does not have children.

I think that having children can help back up your desire to stay sober primarily because of the benefits of sobriety for your kids. I mean if you have been a drunk mother who now has sobriety, then you know how much more you are able to be there for your kids on every level. Therefore, when the urge to drink comes along, you can use the fact that you have children who are dependant upon you and that can work in your favor by helping you to maintain your sobriety. You clearly know why you need to be sober.

But what if you are single with no kids, or in a relationship with no children and no plans for marriage. I wonder then what the motivation for sobriety would be? Well, I have some strong feelings about that too.

I have children and I can not imagine what the quality of their life would be if I began drinking again, so that to me is a huge reason for staying sober. But, it is not the only reason.

Since I have quit drinking alcohol I have learned to have more self respect and I have discovered all kinds of interests and dreams buried within me.

I want to grow as a person, become more educated, learn new things, experience life as a journey and be a part of something bigger than myself. I want to see what more I can do, what I can accomplish. I want to carve out a really nice ending for my life. I want to look back over my life and feel proud. Not arrogant and haughty but proud of who I am and who I have become.

I don’t want to get to the end of my life and have to look myself in the eyes as a drunk. Someone who let the world beat me, someone who could have done so much but didn’t, someone who had it all going for her one day a long time ago but let alcohol ruin the rest of her life.

I don’t want to be someone elses burden or worry, I don’t want to talk crap to a bunch of people that ordinarily I wouldn’t spend time with.

I want to be real. But being real isn’t always easy! Is it?

I suppose I will live with being a little uncomfortable at a party now and again. I will comfort myself with the positive impact sobriety has had on my life as a whole.

I think helping an alcoholic is a very difficult thing to do.

Looking back over my own alcoholic years, I have often wondered why more people who knew me and were close to me didn’t try and stop me drinking or offer me help and advice.

It is possible that some people did offer help and advise me against drinking but I don’t really remember.

As I write this post, I have a distant memory of somebody I knew telling me I had a problem with alcohol. I heard the concern but I pretty much dismissed the conversation. I was not ready to get help and this is the biggest problem I see with trying to help an alcoholic. Most alcoholics are not ready to receive help and will not hear your will for them to get help.

I have a couple of friends that I think have a drinking problem. Have I said to them that they need help? To one of them I have, only because they are a really close friend. I think that you have to be really close to the person that you are concerned about otherwise they will see your concern as interference and will think that you are being rude and intrusive.

If you care about someone who has a problem with alcohol but you do not feel close enough to talk to them directly then maybe you could talk to a close family member or friend who may be in a better position to help them.

Maybe you have tried to help an alcoholic and have been unsuccessful. If so, there are still some things that you can do to help:

• From time to time you can remind them that you are there for them should they want to seek help for their alcohol problem
• Do not enable the alcoholic, for example; buy them alcohol or lend them money for alcohol
• Do not make excuses for them when their behavior is inappropriate
• Do not drink alcohol with the alcoholic. Basically, don’t be a hypocrite; don’t tell them they have an alcohol problem and then get loaded with them
• Depending on the closeness of your relationship with the alcoholic you may need to get help for yourself. Al-anon is for those who are directly affected by the alcoholic.
• Educate yourself about alcoholism. NIAAA This is a great resource. This link will take you to a bunch of publications that cover many aspects of alcoholism.
• Read the Spiritual River post about ‘How to help an alcoholic’
• Find details for a local Alcoholics Anonymous group and give the information to the alcoholic

If anyone has had a good experience with helping an alcoholic, please share what has worked with the Recovery Princess readers.

Dual diagnosis is also referred to as ‘Co-occuring disorders’ as well as ‘Comorbidity’ The more commonly used term ‘Dual diagnosis’ was introduced in the U.S. in the 1980’s.

According to the U.S.National Library of Medicine/National Institutes of Health:

‘Dual diagnosis occurs when someone has both a mental disorder and an alcohol or drug problem. These conditions occur together frequently. In particular, alcohol and drug problems tend to occur with:

• Depression
• Anxiety disorders
• Schizophrenia
• Personality disorders

Sometimes the mental problem occurs first. This can lead people to use alcohol or drugs that make them feel better temporarily. Sometimes the substance abuse occurs first. Over time, that can lead to emotional and mental problems.

Wikipedia states: ‘The term dual diagnosis is used to describe the comorbid condition of a person considered to be suffering from a mental illness and a substance abuse problem. There is considerable debate surrounding the appropriateness of the term being used to describe a heterogeneous group of individuals with complex needs and a varied range of problems. The concept can be used broadly, for example depression and alcoholism, or it can be restricted to specify severe mental illness (e.g. psychosis, schizophrenia) and substance misuse disorder (e.g. cannabis abuse), or a person who has a milder mental illness and a drug dependency, such as panic disorder or generalized anxiety disorder and is dependent on opioids. Dual diagnosis is also a term used for people with an intellectual disability and diagnosed with a mental illness. Making a dual diagnosis in substance abusers is difficult as drug abuse itself often induces psychiatric symptoms, thus making it necessary to differentiate between substance induced and pre-existing mental illness’

AlcoholTreatment.org says ‘The term dual diagnosis is used to describe the condition of a person suffering from a mental illness and a substance abuse problem like alcoholism.’ They go on to say:

‘Alcohol abuse, can induce symptoms which are similar to mental illness which can make it difficult to for a counselor to differentiate between alcohol induced psychiatric symptoms and pre-existing mental health problems.’ 

Read this next part with FULL ATTENTION:

‘Severe anxiety and depression are commonly induced by sustained alcohol abuse which in most cases abates with prolonged abstinence. Even moderate alcohol sustained use may increase anxiety and depression levels in some individuals. In most cases these drug induced psychiatric disorders fade away with prolonged abstinence.’

If you feel like you can relate to any of this, you should schedule an appointment with your Doctor and ask him/her for a referral for a ‘Dual Diagnosis’ treatment center.

A search on the internet for ‘Dual Diagnosis’ will bring up a ton of treatment centers so a good referral can will be really helpful in getting the help you need.

Here is a list of some resources on the web including the sources I have cited in this post:

• U.S.National Library of Medicine/National Institutes of Health 
• Wikipedia
• AlcoholTreatment.org
• Dual Diagnosis Program Directory
• Mental Health America 
• Dual Diagnosis Help

I do have some history of my own experience with alcoholics anonymous meetings.

When I realized that I had a drinking problem and finally understood that I should actually stop drinking, I decided to try a Alcoholics Anonymous meeting even though I wasn’t keen on the 12 step program and the whole God thing.

I went to meetings for about six weeks. Six weeks is such a short time in sobriety but I thought it was forever! It was the longest time I had been able to stay sober since I realized that I had an alcohol problem.

In the short time I was there, I witnessed people in various stages of alcohol recovery. From just a few weeks like me up to 27 years sober.

It was a very surreal experience. First of all, I couldn’t quite believe that I was at an actual alcoholics anonymous meeting. Then of course I thought I was different from everyone else, that they were really serious alcoholics, and I was not. To be entirely honest, I convinced myself that I was different to them even though I related to them all. I was not convinced that I was an alcoholic that needed to be at the meetings.

AA was one of the most extraordinary experiences that I have had in my life. People like me were baring their souls, sharing their stories about what alcohol had done to them, their lives, and to those around them.

The experience was heartbreaking, depressing and very real.

I found AA to be all encompassing. It is impressed upon you that you need to go to as many meetings as you possibly can. This is the way the program will work for you. Although the choice is entirely yours,  AA needs to become your new life.

I did not want to commit.

Six years after that experience, I quit drinking for what is almost 3 years to date.

This time around, I did not try to get sober with AA. I did contemplate it.  I called them and I drove by one of the meeting halls one night. But I decided against it.

Instead of going to AA, I made a decision that I was going to get sober but somehow live a normal life too. I didn’t know exactly how, nor did I rule AA out completely. I just didn’t want the majority of my life to be about alcoholism and going to meetings.

For some people, the only type of treatment for alcoholics is AA. I appreciate and understand that. I think that people have to do what works for them.

I am thankful that I have been successful in my sobriety to date without needing to go to AA.

For more information on finding an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting near you visit: AA

Here are some of the mainstream treatment options for alcoholics:

• AA -’Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism.’ (aa.org)

Basically, you attend meetings, get a sponsor and work the 12 steps.
For more info visit: the AA website.

• Women for Sobriety website or – See my post:  ‘ Women for Sobriety’  about this great group for women only.
• Treatment centers or ‘rehab’ – Treatment usually begins with an assessment to evaluate the severity of the alcohol problem. This is followed by a decision about the course of treatment, detox, and an aftercare plan.

The treatment centers range from $100 a day to $1750 day. They offer services such as acupuncture, group therapy, swimming, fitness, education and much more.

Here is a link to a great list of Rehab Centers and counseling/treatment centers all over the country. These seem more affordable than the luxurious Betty Ford type!  This list is from the Alcoholism.About.com website.

• Medication – These are some of the drugs used according to the Mayo Clinic ‘Alcoholism;Treatment and Drugs’ article:

“Oral medications. An alcohol-sensitizing drug called disulfiram (Antabuse) may help prevent you from drinking. Disulfiram won’t cure alcoholism, nor can it remove the compulsion to drink. But if you drink alcohol, the drug produces a physical reaction that includes flushing, nausea, vomiting and headaches. Naltrexone (ReVia), a drug long known to block the good feelings alcohol causes, reduces the urge to drink. Acamprosate (Campral) may help you combat alcohol cravings. Unlike disulfiram, naltrexone and acamprosate don’t make you feel sick soon after taking a drink”    

• Go it alone:  This is what I did. This is what Recovery Princess is all about. My journey through sobriety. It is kind of a journal of all the useful books, tools and resources that I have come across along the way.

 Spiritual River was my starting point. It was the first website that I immediately related to. I felt like ‘wow….this is me, this is my problem’. There were also many practical posts about ‘How to’ go about sobriety. 

I made good use of the internet and I educated myself about alcoholism, addiction, recovery, sobriety and starting over in life.

I don’t think there is one complete treatment for alcoholism  because it is so complex. I really don’t think it is as simple as just being able to restrain from drinking alcohol. I also don’t think it is about just doing the 12 step models.

 Overcoming alcoholism must be a lifestyle, a complete overhaul of your life, habits, health and your walk in life.  You simply can not continue to do what you have always done and only eliminate alcohol from your life.

I think all of the above treatments are good options and deserve careful consideration. It will be up to the individual to try an option and see how it works out for them. It may take more than a few trials with different treatment methods for an alcoholic to get sober and stay sober. I think the most important thing to remember is to ‘never give up’ and to remain in a constant state of growth.  

‘Do I have a drinking problem?’ I think that if you have to ask this question, or find yourself mulling it over, then chances are that you have a problem with drinking alcohol.

I knew that I had a drinking problem when I began drinking on my own. I was in my teens, probably around 14. My hormones were kicking in good and proper around then. I had already begun some binge drinking on weekends with the kids I hung around with. When I was upset over something and felt unable to communicate it, I would drink alone. I  knew back then that I had a problem with handling situations in my life. I don’t think I saw that drinking was my problem.

All of my life I have known people who drink. None of them are the park bench type. They are all people with jobs, living regular lives. The drinking is part of their lifestyle. It is an accepted norm in that environment.

I have conversations with people that I recognize have a drinking problem, yet when I talk to them, they can never quite admit that it is the alcohol in their life that is the problem. It seems that the problems come along and the person thinks that they have these problems to deal with. What they don’t see is, if they took alcohol out of the equation, they would not have these problems to deal with. The many emotions, situations, issues all arise from the alcohol abuse. Yet, they can not say that they have a drinking problem.

As I got older, I realized that I had a drinking problem. I was always honest to myself but I didn’t really discuss it with anyone else. To anyone else, it must have been stark raving obvious that I had a drinking problem. If I had a friend like me, I would know for sure that they were an alcoholic.

So, how do you know the answer to ‘Do I have a drinking problem?’

From my own experience, I would say that if you say ‘Yes’ to any of the following, then you are a candidate for having a drinking problem:

1 – Are you doing things that you would not normally do when sober?

2 -Do you feel guilty about your behavior after you have been drinking?

3 – Are you making poor choices in your life because you are drunk?

4 – Are your finances a mess because of the amount you spend on drinking and when drunk?

5 -Do you wake up with a hangover at least once a week?

Ok, so that is my criteria, but what do the experts say?..

Two good places to start if you are asking yourself ‘Do I have a drinking problem?’ are:

• The Mayo Clinic website has a  ‘Alcohol Use Self Assessment’ 
• The Huffington Post have a good article: ‘Do you have a drinking problem?  ’12 Questions to ask yourself’.

I hope you have been able answer your question!

It is so different now that I am sober and have an inkling of the so called ‘normal’ life. I can definitely see how alcoholism is prevalent in so many people regardless of where they come from, age, race, or gender. Anyway, I was doing some research on the Internet and I came across this:

‘What types of alcoholic are there?’

A study by the NIAAA (National Institute on Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse) identified 5 Alcoholic Types:

Young Adult subtype: 31.5 percent of U.S. alcoholics.  Young adult drinkers, with relatively low rates of co-occurring substance abuse and other mental disorders, a low rate of family alcoholism, and who rarely seek any kind of help for their drinking. 

Young Antisocial subtype: 21 percent of U.S. alcoholics.  Tend to be in their mid-twenties, had early onset of regular drinking, and alcohol problems.  More than half come from families with alcoholism, and about half have a psychiatric diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder.  Many have major depression, bipolar disorder, and anxiety problems.  More than 75 percent smoked cigarettes and marijuana, and many also had cocaine and opiate addictions. More than one-third of these alcoholics seek help for their drinking. 

Functional subtype:  19.5 percent of U.S. alcoholics. Typically middle-aged, well-educated, with stable jobs and families.  About one-third have a multigenerational family history of alcoholism, about one-quarter had major depressive illness sometime in their lives, and nearly 50 percent were smokers. 

 Intermediate Familial subtype: 19 percent of U.S. alcoholics.  Middle-aged, with about 50 percent from families with multigenerational alcoholism.  Almost half have had clinical depression, and 20 percent have had bipolar disorder. Most of these individuals smoked cigarettes, and nearly one in five had problems with cocaine and marijuana use. Only 25 percent ever sought treatment for their problem drinking.

 Chronic Severe subtype:  9 percent of U.S. alcoholics. Comprised mostly of middle-aged individuals who had early onset of drinking and alcohol problems, with high rates of Antisocial Personality Disorder and criminality.  Almost 80 percent come from families with multigenerational alcoholism.  They have the highest rates of other psychiatric disorders including depression, bipolar disorder, and anxiety disorders as well as high rates of smoking, and marijuana, cocaine, and opiate dependence.  Two-thirds of these alcoholics seek help for their drinking problems, making them the most prevalent type of alcoholic in treatment. 

Which type of alcoholic are you?  Which did you used to be?

Have a look at the following titles Patrick Meninga has to offer:

Overcoming Addiction
Success in Early Recovery
Achieving Long Term Recovery
Action Guide for Recovery
Helping Addicted Family Members
A Program Guide for Rehabs
Holistic Relapse Prevention
Addiction Help Guide
Achieving Recovery and Balance
Avoid Passive Living and Take Massive Action

Click here to go directly to Spiritual River  and download a free e-book of your preference!

Source: Harper’s Bazaar. ‘Sobering Up: How To Quit Drinking’

Although the book is geared toward couples, it also touches on a range of subjects about how we relate to our partners and people based on our love styles, all of which are a result of how we were raised as children.

I took the survey to determine which love type I was, but I can’t say that I was one type, I seemed to relate to all of them in one way or another!

If you click on ‘Read Past Newsletters’ you will find a ton of useful information to read about relationships, parenting, marriage, sex, addiction, recovery and more.

Click here to go to the Past Newsletter section of the ‘How we Love’ website

In the past, I think that many of the people who I knew who were also huge drinkers could always look to me when they felt bad about their own drinking, and then feel better. I was wild, unrestricted, and on a mission to drink. It was the only way that I felt normal. I was addicted to alcohol.

So now that I am nearly 3 years sober and in recovery, I look at many of the people that I used to drink with and I see them struggling with their own alcoholism or addictions and I ask myself ‘why me?’, how come I got sober? what is the difference between them and me?

I know that addiction and alcoholism is a disease so in many ways it is not as simple as just giving up drinking, although that is exactly how you end up sober, you stop drinking the alcohol.

If I evaluate myself and compare myself to some other people that I know who are still drinking, I would have to say that the biggest difference between me and them (and this is only to the best of my own knowledge), I would say that I was truthful to myself. I knew that I had a problem with alcohol. I knew that I was addicted. I never really called myself an alcoholic but I knew that I could not function without alcohol long term and therefore I knew I had a problem.

When I talk to others who are active alcoholics, they never say ‘I am an alcoholic’, they never truly acknowledge their problem, they never say it out loud. Maybe they say it to themselves and they know it in their own heart but they never say it out loud. One of my friends has recently begun saying that she recognizes that sometimes her drinking can get out of control therefore she is controlling it better.

Denial is a real problem in really getting sober and embracing recovery.

The other difference between me and them (I think) is that I always knew that being an alcoholic was wrong. Even though I hung out with a whole crowd whose lifestlye was about drinking and taking drugs. Even though on the surface and among us, this was our lifestyle, I knew it was not normal. I knew not everyone lived this way and inside I wanted something more. I think that many of the crowd I was in with just started to see this lifestyle as ‘just the way it is’.

I don’t totally know where I am going with all this, I am just mulling things over in my mind and I am trying to make sense of it all.

I have had some people say to me that the reason I was able to get sober was because I have kids. That because I have kids, I had something better to live for that was more important that alcohol. Of course, my kids are more important than alcohol but I still drank after my first child and in all honesty I can’t say that my kids are what stopped me.

I think that one reason why I stopped drinking or was able to stop drinking alcohol was that I just felt wretched. I felt awful when I wasn’t drinking, I felt terrible the day after drinking. I only really enjoyed the very first few sips and then I went slightly loopy. I really felt horrible. The feel good, numb everything feeling that alcohol used to give me just stopped working. Instead of getting some respite from feeling crap I just totally felt screwed up.

The other thing that happenned was the last night that I drank alcohol. (I have wrote this a ton of times already I know!) was that in my desperate drunken crying state, after having a huge row with my husband about stuff that didn’t even make sense, I literally screamed upward and laid into God. I screamed out for help, cried my eyes out, phoned someone, had an argument with them, phoned someone else( someone who did believe in God) and unloaded all my drunken poor me’s on her, then I went back in my house and passed out. The next day became my first day of sobriety and since then it has been nearly 3 years.

Well that is my ramble for now. I am tired and off to bed.

On a last note. I really wanted to feel better. I was tired of not liking myself, tired of seeing other people living well and I wanted something better for my life. Looks like I got it!

There was no way that I could simply give up drinking alcohol and continue on with my normal life. No, I had to channel my mind elsewhere. I had to exercise, read and journal at a minimum each day. I had to plan each day. I had to avoid certain places, people and situations. I had to think through what would trigger my desire to drink. I had to have a plan for when I just couldn’t handle anything or anyone. I had to discipline myself to go for a walk rather than need a drink so desperately that I would want to just scream at anyone near me. Go to the gym instead of lash out at my husband when my emotions were cracking me up. I chose to write absolutely everything that was going through my mind so that I could untangle the mess of thoughts in my mind. I had to read ficton and reality books about sobriety and recovery to relax or to learn about what I was going through.

You can not do the same thing that you have always done if you are trying to quit drinking alcohol and begin a new life.

I would write a life list, I would think about the future, I would visualize how I wanted to be and what life I wanted to live. I was determined that I no longer wanted to live like this.

I cried out to a God that I didn’t know if I believed in. I listened to uplifting, encouraging podcasts non stop, I worked hard at trying to stay sober. I had counselling.

Do you see my point here? There is no easy way around it. If you want to be sober and embrace recovery you need to have a plan of action. A basic one is fine. Think about your triggers and how you are going to handle certain things. find new activities. Don’t give up hope.

I have been through many cycles of highs, lows, depressions, elations, regrets, hopelessness, happiness, personal growth, better relationships. You name it, I believe I have truly experienced it.

I hope this helps someone!

I also had to get over some of my God questions such as ‘well why can’t he just cure me, why he is letting me go through all of this again’ but you know, I choose to trust based on my own personal relationship with God and that is what I am comfortable with. I don’t have the answers and never will in this lifetime so I am just learning to carve out a new life for myself with every action that I take.

So right now, life is pretty good. The sun is shining and I am enjoying being a sober person. I am as they say ‘embracing recovery’, loving being over my addictions!.

One of the features is ’10 tools to live your life well’,

Live Your Life Well is a great resource for us who are sober and in recovery as well as those contemplating sobriety. Those battling with addictions and with questions about what a life in recovery looks like. Take a look when you get a chance!

The good part of feeling this bad after such a long time of feeling so good was that I could easily recognize that I was not my normal self. I felt lethargic, getting up on a morning was difficult, I was filled with negative thoughts most of the day and I began to withdraw from people. So, after battling a little with not wanting to take anti depressants again, I decided that it would be the best thing to do. Luckily, I had a good experience with the medication I used before so I knew that I could begin taking it again without too many ill side effects.

I also realize that the issues that caused me to feel so off do still need to be dealt with so I am going to go back to a counsellor that I used to see to talk these thing through.

This is the reality of living a sober life, learing about recovery,  and getting over addictions. It is about finding new ways to address the problems that still exist.

If I rewind back to when I first got sober, my feelings and depressive states where all over the place. There was no rhyme nor reason for them. Going back even further, I couldn’t tell if I was feeling terrible because of the alcohol addiction, lack of sleep, hormones, unresolved issues or who knows what. It has taken long term sobriety, and going through the process of sobriety in order for me to be able to clearly see what is bothering me and why.  And, to be able to find a solution that works for me now and that is far healthier than my method of self medicating with alcohol.

So here I am, on my way to 3 years of sobriety and still learning that sobriety and recovery is a rollercoaster. But it is still worth it!

I have been feeling lethargic, negative and all in all, life has just been a real struggle and a huge effort. I do not like feeling like this one bit, I despise it in some ways but in another way I use it to learn more about myself.

Today I realized that prior to today, nothing in my past has changed. Everything in the past is exactly that, in the past. It has not changed, it can not change. What is done is done. There is no rewind and edit on the yesterday’s of our lives. What happened a second ago happened and unless you have a time machine, you can never change that moment. This is obvious I know but what I realized today is how my perceptions of the yesterdays change depending on who I am talking to, what I thinking about or what I am experiencing in my life. Everything is always the same in the past, the only thing that changes is which way I am looking at it.

There are some days when my approach to the past is healthy, there are other days when my approach to the past is unhealthy and that can be bought on by hormones, people from my past, old memories resurfacing, new challenges that spur old fears, sickness, being overtired, change and the list goes on.

There seems to be many ways in which to view the past depending upon the stimulus in the current day. But knowing this doesn’t necessarily mean that you can stop the way you think or feel but I do think it is helpful to recognize that even though you may feel awful when bombarded with negativity and depression, it is a passing state of mind and is not going to last forever.

The real struggle is finding harmony with today and yesterday.

Sometimes I think about why it is so hard in sobriety and recovery at times and I recognize that sobriety is just so complex. It is a mixture of old and new, a mixture of shame, regret and frustration at starting over. Frustration at feeling behind and having to play catch up. Lots of frustration. Difficulty at handing the myriad of emotions and thoughts whilst trying to get on with everyday life. Personality changes and trying to discover a new side of yourself. Figuring out how to be with people that you knew when you used to drink. Trying to maintain balance, create new habits, make right choices. It can be absolutely exhausting.

The good thing about feeling so bad for so long is that I know I will begin to come out of this pretty soon and i get on with making more progress in sobriety. I look forward to the days when I just love being alive, feel proud of my sobriety, embrace who I am and accept the choices I have made and continue to make.

Here is to insight, sobriety, recovery,  no more addictions, and better days to come! 

Sobriety is confusing there is no doubt about it.

Those of you who follow this blog will know that about a year into my sobriety, I suddenly felt compelled to find out more about God and delve into religion.

 This change happenned in a subtle but powerful way. I certainly did not set out to seek God. In fact, I wouldn’t even read anything that had ‘God’ written in it. I also was not keen on A.A because of the ‘higher power’ theme running through it’s veins. I wholeheartedly made a big effort not to turn to God.

Then, a funny thing happenned. I became a Christian. Everywhere I turned, something or someone was leading me toward God. It was like situations, people, books, podcasts, chance meetings, and work colleagues were all in on it. I really think I was being pursued by God. I know that might just sound off the wall especially for those of you who are not religious. But seriously, I wasn’t religious either!

So, I slowly but surely became a Christian and I couldn’t believe how great it was. I felt alive again, like a burden had been lifted. I felt clear headed, purposeful and the best thing about it all was that my prayers were truly being answered. I prayed about all kinds of things and seriously, my prayers were being answered and I felt like I was being guided. I was able to feel a way that I had never been able to feel on my own. My life and the the lives of those around me really did change for the better.

When I met with other believers, they all seemed to nod their head knowingly, like they had seen this before. A new believer jumping for joy at the thought of having a God who was like a magic genie. I thought it was too good to be true….and it was.

The days of quick fixes and answer to prayer have certainly slowed down. Also, my enthusiasm has waned considerably at times and then I have had moments of just sheer disbelief.

But when I look at the big picture of my life,  and I can stand back and accurately see all the major things that have taken place since my walk of faith, I can without a shadow of a doubt see God working in my life. It is not easy to see it some days because not every day is a good one and sometimes I get so fixated on the small minded things that I can’t see the wood for the trees.

All the way through the days of doubt I still pray. I still actively seek God. I read the Bible when I don’t feel like it, I pray when I feel like I am talking to no-one and I go to church every week regardless of what mood I am in.

The hard part about having faith, for me, is seeing so much of the bad stuff in life, it makes you think ‘how could there be a God’, and ‘how could a God allow all of this to happen?’ and ‘Why did God do this to me’ or ‘why didn’t he help me sooner’ . It is so easy to blame God for everything and just reject him. It is even easier to do this when you don’t really understand fully who God is.

I go to church, I take part in a Bible study, I pray daily, I read the Bible sporadically, I have read many books about faith, and I listen to tons of sermons on podcasts and listen to Christian music on the radio.

I actively seek out God even when I don’t think that I am, or whether I feel disbelieving or not.

My point here is, and it is only my opinion not me spouting off a lecture or telling you what to believe, is that I do have faith and therefore I have hope. Without hope what is there? I love reminding myself that I don’t have to do any of this on my own anymore. I can unload through prayer all that is going on in my mind and know that I will come through the difficult times. I know that my future is going to be better than I could ever have imagined because I have faith. For the sceptics out there, you have front row seats on this blog so you can continue to watch my progress in life and decide for yourselves.

P.S – As I wrote that last sentence, a little warning bell went off in  my head…you should never test God! and he is not a magic genie, I should not make light of Him. But I do strongly believe that he got me sober for a reason and I think it is going to be a good one!

It is OK to have wavering faith as long as ultimately you have faith!

God bless and Amen!

Thought for the day….when was the last time you read a few verses from your Bible or any Bible?

Side note: There is a book that I love written by Norman Vincent Peale, it is called ‘The power of positive thinking’ but much of it is faith based and uses scripture from the Bible to back it up. Some people think it is a bit out there but it seriously changed my life when I first read it. I have since re-read it because I lost steam a year later but I would recommend that you check it out of the library and read it. It snapped me out a downward slope more than a few times.

Has anyone noticed how hard we try in sobriety? How hard it is to be you while being sober and in recovery? I dont’ know about you but now that I am not drinking, I spend my time with a different crowd. So, how I used to act and the things I used to do used to work just fine for the people I knew. It was what was expected of me. A little crazy and erratic but that was fine because that was who I was then.

Now, it is a whole new ballgame as they say. Now I find myself trying, trying, trying to hard to be this, and be that, and fit in, and be the same, and keep up with what everyone else is doing, perfecting this new display of who I am now.

I may just be insane and be doing all of this for myself. Maybe no-one is judging me or watching me or commenting on me. That is a very real possibility. The mind of a recovering alcoholic is a weird one at that.

I suppose what I want to do is just to be me, the essence of me. Be happy with me, like me, accept me. Just say and do what I want to say and do and stop all this people pleasing perfectionism that I seem to be wallowing in. I have all these ‘I should do’s and could do’s and must’s and have to’s’ constantly spinning around in my head and I have really had enough of them.

In some ways I can see that I am attempting to change old habits and form better and newer ones. I am trying to live a life that I think is the way that I want and I am trying to create a new person and isn’t that what sobriety is about? It is about trying to formulate a new life and identity after being pretty reckless and carefree whilst self medicating at the same time.

Maybe this is why sobriety is so complicated. Starting over and creating a new persona and way of  living is tough at times until it really becomes a new habit.

Many of the things I do now, I must confess that when I first started doing them, I thought they were absolutely boring and I couldn’t stand to do them. I am talking about some pretty basic things here too. Taking a walk, going to the library, meeting with people during the day WITHOUT ALCOHOL, going to watch sports games, and going to practices, family parties and just about absolutely everything that I had to do I just found absolutely painfully boring to do because I couldn’t have a drink. I couldn’t have that nice warm giddy relaxed carefree feeling anymore. Therefore, everything seemed awful.

Life is not so much like that now because I have formed new habits and I have learned to enjoy these things purely through having to go through with them sober a number of times. Then there really does come the time when you think, ‘wow, that was fun!’.

But, the feeling of boredom still creeps in big time. Is this it? Is this life? Is this the best it is ever going to get? ‘Is this as good as it gets?’ (one of my favorite movies of all times!). The boredom isn’t really boredom, it is simply not knowing how to do something without the buzz. Something I am still learning to do again and again and again.

So I recommend having some days of just acceptance. Accept your imperfections, your dodgy thoughts, your insecurities, your boredom feelings and just be yourself. Stop trying so hard and maybe write down what you are really thinking, feeling and going through. Once you start accepting that you are going to feel bored, and you are not the same as everyone else then maybe you will feel a little better. At least for a while……and then you can begin trying again, and again and again until your new habit kicks in and you get the beautiful ‘Wow, this was really good!’ feeling again.

Have a great day!

Part of me feels like I should feel on top form all of the time now that I have pretty long term sobriety to show off about but the reality is that I am human and I have days when I just feel terrible. Crap is my choice word right now.

So as I sit here feeling like this I just thought that I would share with you all, so that you know it is ok to feel really awful sometimes. When the bad days loom, just be kind to yourself and remember that the bad days pass, they always do. Having a drink of alcohol will possibly help you temporarily but really it’s a cop out. You will be left feeling worse and will have to start sobriety all over again. You will have let alcohol addiction get the better of you.
Here is to a better day tomorrow!

I have gone through many times of change in my life. Giving up drinking alcohol, having children, losing a job, moving and the list goes on.

Right now I am at a crossroads in my life and my future is going to be determined by what I do every day. So for me, it is important to make some changes and decide on a new path.

It is not only vocation that I need to look at. It is also attitude, habits, mindsets amongst other things that really need to be assessed.

Many people change their lives. Just a brief search on google for “people who changed their lives’ brings up headings such as:

‘Stories of people who changed their lives by changing their minds’

‘The books that changed your lives’

‘Weight loss, How they did it, Four people who changed their lives’

and

‘Make me happier, How three people changed their lives for the better’.

So you see,  people are deciding to change their lives every day.

I quit drinking alcohol over 2 and a half years ago but I still see the need to assess where I am at and decide on making changes that will propel me in the direction of a future that I am looking forward too.

Why do we want to change our lives? Why not just stay the same?

Well if you wake up more days than not feeling great, leaping out of bed, eager to start the day, loving the work you do, feeling engaged with your partner, happy with the friends you have, love the way you look, enjoy the home you live in, are content with the money that you earn, feel that you have been educated as far as you want to go, pull out clothes that you love to wear, do your bit for charity, are a helpful family member and loyal friend, travelled the world, have your 401(k)) all set, retirement funds waiting for you, a clean and shiny car of your choice in the driveway and all the rest of it then you probably don’t feel that you want to change your life nor see any reason why you need too.

But, most of us don’t feel that way. I think it is good to be happy and content with what you have but I don’t feel that it is wrong to want more or better for yourself throughout the course of your life. I think this is especially true in sobriety. You have to constantly be evaluating your progress and the actions that you are taking to create the life that you want to live.

I can hear people saying ‘but what about this and what about that’ and I know that life throws all kinds of problems our way that we feel helpless to do anything about but we can not let those things determine the rest of our lives.

Why? because if life sucks now and you don’t do anything about it, then life is surely going to suck even worse in 1, 2, 5, 10, and 15 years later.

This was something I was thinking about today and I wanted to share with you. Are you doing anything to change your life today?

Evan, what you said about feeling like you have no social life I totally get. I believe that it is part of the process of sobriety and recovery.

To explain, I will tell you some of my history. It always feels scary baring all on this blog but we have to do this otherwise how on earth will we get better? I think sharing our journey is the way forward for sure.

Anyway, here goes…when I was younger I was pretty shy so when I had my first taste of alcohol and the courage that it provided, I just felt like I was home, finally I could feel good, feel whole, feel accepted and feel comfortable in my own skin around others. Well, obviously that warm and giddy feeling soon brings with it a whole host of other more unwanted effects. To cut a long story short, over the years I used alcohol to have a good time in social situations, then I became addicted to alcohol. I also now know that I was self medicating. I think I probably had a good dose of social anxiety. I am not sure if had social anxiety to begin with or if I caused it by using alcohol in social situations to overcome anxiety. I began drinking in my teen years so in reality I think that I never really learned to overcome the normal teen shyness. I just drank my way right through it all for the next 17 years of my life.

When I stopped drinking and I think this is typical of most alcoholics who are serious about getting sober, I could not and did not want to be around people who were drinking. At first the reason for this was simply because I could not handle it if others were drinking because I would want to drink, I would feel left out, like I was missing out on something, being denied etc. Later on, my reason for not wanting to be around people who drink changed because I had changed. It doesn’t feel the same to be with people who are drinking when you are sober. The conversation doesn’t flow as well, it becomes boring and nonsensical half the time. Also, you don’t laugh at the same things anymore. Being sober and hanging around with drinkers just doesn’t work for me at all anymore.

So, like yourself, when I stopped drinking, my social life took a nose dive. I retreated socially and now it takes a bigger effort to engage in social activities. I think that when you drink alcohol, some of the times you have are just so ridiculousy and outrageously fun it is near impossible to get that way when sober. However, I have had some extraordinary times when sober I am happyy to report.

I have been sober for over 2 years now and to be honest, I think that being socially absent has been necessary for me. It has taken this amount of time for me to get sober, live a normal life, acknowledge who I was, how I lived, what the consequences of living such a life have been, to find out who I am today, to rediscover all aspects of my own humanity again.

I too went through the stage of feeling bored but when I dug deeper, I discovered that it really isn’t about being bored, it is really about not knowing how to live fully. Knowing how to live fully and to feel good each day and to wake up excited and with purpose doesn’t just happen. For me it takes effort and hard work and curiosity. I think one of the best ways to feel excitement, purpose, and enthusiasm is to rediscover your hobbies and what you enjoy doing and to make a commitment to trying to take some kind of action no matter how small to change for the better.

When I look back over the last 2 plus years, I see my constant effort and re-evaluation of who I am, what I want to become and what action I can take to move forward. This doesn’t mean that I get up and feel great all of the time but I can tell you that I have experienced times when I can not get enough hours out of the day. I have woken up at the crack of dawn and not wanted to go to bed way past midnight because I have been enthused by something. Reading has been a huge source of inspiration for me.

Back to the social side of things. I know that the better off I feel about myself, the easier it is to be around other people. So doing what you enjoy and taking care of yourself physically and mentally has enormous benefits.

A great way to get involved with people if you are religious is to join a Bible study group. It is such an amazing thing when you are able to bare yourself with others who believe in God and genuinely care for you because of that. There are so many churches with great programs and small groups that can help anyone feeling lonely. Even to those who are not religious, I would consider it because it is just an amazing thing to experience. Just regular people going through life with challenges and difficulties like we are. Maybe not recovering from alcohol abuse but other problems that are equally as difficult for them.

Also, there was a time when I was really struggling in sobriety and I sought professional help. Counselling was very helpful. I think that in sobriety your mind works overtime and you can easily fixate on the things in your life that you perceive as being negative and on things that you think will never change. A good counsellor can help you to identify and correct your thinking. Also, I tried an anti-depressant for a period of time that was geared toward social anxiety and I have to say that it was great. I don’t think I have ever felt so good before. It was reallyhelpful. Seeking medical advice is essential when you are a recovering alcoholic because you are probably depressed and might need help stimulating your brain again.

I think that having a purpose whether it be your family, a hobby, volunteering, having faith, sponsoring a child, being in a recovery group, or sharing with other recovering alcoholics can help to improve the way we think and feel about ourselves.

I think that when I am more comfortable with who I am and the life that I am living now that I am sober, I will naturally make more friends and want to enjoy the company of other people. But, I am not going to give myself a hardtime about it because as I said before, I think it is part of the process. But, I will take more and more baby steps to become more socially active.

 A side note….people are fascinating creatures, when I am able to forget my own weird fears about people and whether I want to be social with them, I focus on them and I always find it extraordinary to get to know peoples life story. It is in those times that I realize how much I really do like people and enjoy them. 

Evan, I hoped I helped in some way. Of course I can’t tell you what to do and I am not a professional doctor, therapist etc so I can only share my journey with you. I wish you all the best. I do have many resources throughout my posts so I do hope you scour them all and find what works for you.

When I first decided to write this blog, I did so with the intention of sharing the journey, and what a journey it has been! So, to keep myself on track and also to stay true to the mission I laid out for myself over 2 and a half years ago, I am going to bare all just like I promised. Regardless of what my inner voice is telling me.

This last month as been rough on me to say the least. Up until now, I have been having a fairly good run. I have been able to handle what life has thrown at me pretty well and have managed to just get on with it. In between I have had some off days here and there but who doesn’t?  The last month has been a tough time and I can’t put my finger on one specific issue, it is more of a general downcast feeling. I don’t know what stage of sobriety you are at, but I would consider myself to be in long-term sobriety. I have passed the stage of needing a drink of alcohol everyday. The problem that I seem to experience is the feeling of being so far behind. Lots of guilt about time wasted, mistakes made, the outcome of my life now due to the way I lived my life before, and by far the worst thing is feeling disconnected to people. It is not like I don’t have relationships with people because I do, but, most of the people that I know don’t realize that every day for me is about recovery, rediscovering,  and learning the basics all over again. Of course I don’t tell everyone about being a recovering alcoholic. I figured the reason for this out the other day…..wait for it…I am in denial! first I was in denial about being an alcoholic and now I am in denial about being in recovery! typical!

Seriously though, connecting with people once you are truly sober is a very different experience. For me it feels very much like I am trying to be someone else, which I am because I certainly am not the same as I was when I was drinking. Still with me?…… I am not the same as I was before, I don’t think I act the same anymore, I know I don’t think the same thoughts as before and I don’t want to do the things that  I used to do before. So now I am left with a new me who is learning to be the new me. It is like being a toddler all over again.

I never got involved with AA. I have maintained my sobriety through a myriad of support systems; reading, other blogs, exercise, my family, writing, working. And because I never joined AA or any other kind of recovery group, I don’t really know anyone who can truly understand what goes on in my mind because unless you have been an alcoholic how can you know that? That is where I might find myself agreeing with going to alcoholics anonymous because you can meet other people going through the same thing and through that you can feel understood.

To be honest, I don’t really want to be surrounded by a bunch of recovering alcoholics all of the time. I would far rather just have a mixed bunch of people in my life that you meet in the normal way but sometimes I would also like to feel understood and be able to share and talk through some of the difficulties I face as living life sober after drinking for as long as I did.

I didn’t intend for this to be a big pity party for me but I did want to highlight some trouble areas so that if you are reading this and you know what I am talking about it might help!

I just re-read this and was about to do what I always do….save it in my drafts for future publishing (which I never end up doing). But because I am determined to share my journey, the good and the bad I am going to publish this as a start….

Is anyone else out there in long term sobriety? Can you share some of what you find difficult? Thanks!