Sobriety and Depression..I’m Back…..

I have been feeling off for quite a while now. I should be feeling much better if anti-depressants have anything to do with it but I am not. I am just feeling, self absorbed might be a good way to describe it. I have been walking around with a head full of negative thoughts and I have had a hard time getting rid of them, in fact the more I have tried to change my attitude, the more negativity I have been experiencing. It is difficult to explain but there are definitely some things that I believe have contributed toward how I feel right now.

I stopped spending as much time working on this website. I must have been feeling pretty good for a while and I became absorbed in ‘normal’ stuff and I think I forgot I was an alcoholic for a while. This is a very easy thing to do when you have a good amount of sobriety time under your belt (and I do! I am 16 months sober now). It is easy to start believing that because I no longer feel like having a drink all the time, I am almost cured. Also, I don’t really want to believe that I used to be an alcoholic, I don’t want to remember all the things I didn’t do while I was busy drinking, I don’t want to admit that I have a hard time living a ‘normal’ life. It is very easy to live like a ‘normal’ person but not actually feel like a normal person whatsoever. And this is where I have been for a while.

I became slightly depressed and then along with that came negative thoughts that I fed with more negative thoughts and before I knew how I had gotten to this place, I had become totally focused on myself, everything ‘bad’ about myself. It is funny how the mind will do that if you give it the slightest chance. I listened to something today and one guy said to another guy who had been saying that he was depressed and uninterested in life that the reason he felt this way was because he was totally and utterly self absorbed, in other words selfish. Now I know that depression is a serious illness and I am not saying that all depressives are selfish but I do agree that when you are depressed, you are totally self absorbed even if what you are absorbed with is negative. The focus in my life became all about what was wrong with me, why was I feeling like this, etc etc. I wrote something down that I could relate to;  “Whatever I am focusing on, I am going to feel” It makes sense, if you are focusing on the negative things then the outlook is gloomy and if you already have an untrained mind then it won’t be very long before your mind takes you on the rollercoaster journey of negativity.

So, not connecting with others in sobriety (for me through Recovery Princess) and becoming selfish (self absorbed) have both contributed to my feeling slightly off. But the good news is that this stage in my life has made me realize that I can’t forget my past and how I chose to live my life but that I am who I am because of the way I have lived.

It is a huge transistion living a life fuelled by alcohol to a life of sobriety.  At times I feel like I have changed from Cruella DeVille into Mary Poppins and I often feel lost. Well I guess I am a little lost and I probably will be for some time to come. It is early days in my new life and I am experiencing growing pains. I like the phrase, “You reap what you sow” well for a long time I wasn’t really sowing the good stuff to reap, so of course I wouldn’t be reaping a healthy non depressive mind. Now that I am sowing the good stuff, my time will come to reap the same. If you want the reward then you need to put the work in. I am putting the work in and if feels good even if it is a little tough at times.

If you managed to stay with me throughout this post, congratulations! I had a lot to share and muddle through.

Also, I want to tell you that although I had not really checked Recovery Princess for about a week (that is a very long time for me, I am usually fanatical about it) when I did check my email and comments, I had 3 really nice emails and comments and as soon as I read them I got that feeling inside, the one that makes you feel so good, like you are on the right track and that life can be pretty good at times. It feels good to know that through Recovery Princess, I make some difference to a few people. It is a really good feeling to experience in this world of sobriety.

Please feel free to share your own thoughts, moods, ups and downs with me on Recovery Princess.

Madison

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Tags: 16 months sober, connecting with others in sobriety, depressed, life of sobriety, negative thoughts, sobriety and depression, used to be an alcoholic