Maybe I Could Have Just One Drink….Of Alcohol

By Madison


I have had the worst day in a long time. I have been thinking about alcohol intensely. This time round, it hasn’t just been negative thoughts or anxiety, it has been full blown memories of every single good time I had with alcohol. I have thought about the sweet release I used to feel when I had the first few sips of chilled wine. It was like heaven. My thoughts have been about the past and every positive aspect I ever experienced using alcohol. I have been longing for, the good times. Just a few glasses of wine and a couple of cigarettes.

I have been asking myself if my life was really that bad when I was drinking, I have been telling myself that maybe it wasn’t as bad as I have been making out or remembering. Maybe my problems never really stemmed from the alcohol at all, it could be because I suffer from social anxiety and a degree of depression. If I could cure the social anxiety then maybe drinking alcohol wouldn’t be a problem anymore.

I could enjoy myself again, relax, not have to think so much. It would be great to have a few drinks. Maybe I could handle it now, I have all this experience of sobriety under my belt and maybe I could control myself now. If all else fails, then I could even have the new drug Naltrexone. Why should I suffer and go through all this crap. Everyone needs a little something to help get them through. Life is tough, right?……………

Wrong. This is all completely wrong. This is the mind of an addict. Everything I wrote above is a lie, and I know it now. After having this much sobriety time under my belt now, I just can’t lie to myself anymore. I know that to take a drink now would be the worse mistake of my life. I do know that with absolute certainty. Your conscience never lies.

So, I will heed my own words. I will do all the things that help me get through a bad day;

Write it all out in my journal
Think about the people in my life who were most affected by my alcohol abuse
Read a motivational book
Work on Recovery Princess so that I can help others who are going through something similar to what I am
Know that when I wake up tomorrow it will be a brand new day
Remember that bad days pass
Read every post and comment on Recovery Princess
Think about how far I have come in the last year
Think about all the possibilities that are open to me now
Remember that I am not alone

Today I let my imagination run it’s course. It is a dangerous thing to do. That is how relapse happens.

I have committed myself to learning and understanding this disease, I have filled my mind  with all the reasons about why I should not drink alcohol and because of this I am able to save myself from the little demon who reared it’s ugly head today.

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This entry was posted on Friday, June 5th, 2009 at 8:01 pm and is filed under Get Sober. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

7 Responses to “Maybe I Could Have Just One Drink….Of Alcohol”

  1. Patrick
    June 6, 2009 at 3:08 am

    Your honesty saved you in this case…..good job Princess!

    This is a big part of how it works. If you do not have an outlet, and you keep all that bottled up inside of you, then eventually you would drink.

    So thank you for sharing the solution….this is recovery in action.

    #1125
  2. Madison
    June 6, 2009 at 12:52 pm

    Thanks Patrick.
    Days like that are difficult to handle. But today I woke up and did not have to hang my head in shame, I made it through a difficult day yesterday and just as I thought, today has been an easier day.
    You just have to do whatever it takes to get out of a funk, anything other than having a drink of course!

    #1130
  3. Brett
    June 6, 2009 at 2:36 pm

    Hi Madison.

    My God girl you had me worried!!!!!

    I nearly choked on my coffee!

    I am so proud of you. Thank you for being so honest.

    People like myself look up to you for inspiration. :-)

    It can be tough some days. That is life though, with or without alcohol.

    The mind can be a terrible thing some days can’t it. So strong at times and so weak at others.

    Congats on making the RIGHT decision.

    Keep up the great work.

    Brett.

    #1133
  4. Brett
    June 6, 2009 at 2:37 pm

    That would be congrats.

    Brett.

    #1134
  5. Madison
    June 6, 2009 at 8:52 pm

    Thank you very much Brett.

    I had to get it off my chest and share with everyone. It certainly helped to write it out the way I did. I can not say that the cravings have gone but I am feeling more positive. This is just another phase in the sobriety journey. I will be pleased when it is over, that is for sure!

    #1138
  6. jenny
    June 14, 2009 at 10:36 am

    Madison-

    Thank you so much for writing this. Last night I was having one of those nights where I was pretty much driving myself NUTS in my head thinking the exact same thoughts as you wrote here. I googled “Sobriety is hard” and came across your page. It really made me feel better. I’ve been sober a little over a year now and I’m starting to think things like “What if I want to move to Italy someday? I won’t be able to drink wine!” and just ridiculous fear-driven thoughts that are totally taking me out of the day.

    Anyway, your blog really helped me realize that everyone goes through this stuff in sobriety. Its hard and it really sucks sometimes. But realizing we aren’t alone (no matter how lonely it can feel sometimes) gives me a lot of courage.

    Keep it up, congrats on staying sober, and thank you SO SO much for sharing this.

    #1164
  7. Madison
    June 14, 2009 at 5:23 pm

    Thanks for your nice words. As you know, there are many ups and downs in sobriety and sometimes I am a little hesitant to share some things on this blog because I would rather keep it optimistic. I truly do have more good times than bad. But, there are bad times and that is part of the journey. I know that when I gave up drinking, I wanted to read all about what others were going through, so from time to time I just say it like it is and that was one of those times. I am glad that you could relate and that it you helped somewhat. Maybe I should share more!

    Congratulations on being sober for a year, I am nearly there myself. Quite a journey that is for sure.

    Keep coming back and feel free to share some of your tips with us.

    #1168

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