A Sobriety Ramble

Some days it hits me how strange it  is to be sober. I may be sitting at work or somewhere else and I get an urge to tell someone ‘hey, I was a really bad alcoholic for so long and now I am nearing my first year of sobriety’ I do get that urge quite a bit. I’m not sure why, one part of me thinks that whoever I will tell will say something like, ‘ Oh, I knew there was something up with you’ another part of me wonders if they would say, ‘wow, you would never have known!’ Sometimes I just want to say it out loud because it is such a very big deal for me.

Being sober and living a sober life is so different from my old days of drinking. I used to think life was pretty tough at times back then but real sober living is much tougher. But, it is also so much better in so many ways. It is different because you are navigating a new path with new rules and in many ways you are alone in your journey. If I was with A.A or Women for Sobriety then I may not feel this way but I have done this on my own with the support of my husband.

At times I feel like a little kid going to big school for the first time. It is a whole new learning curve. It can feel like I am really far behind in many ways and maybe I am. I also know that in many ways I am much further ahead of others in dealing with the aspects of myself that could do with some work. I am able to acknowledge my flaws and learn how to deal with them rather than ignore them or medicate them away.

There are many times of doubt and worry and insecurities, many times when I see things about myself that I am not too keen on. All of these feelings were there before but I never gave myself enough time to dwell on them. If I felt an uncomfortable feeling then I drank, and I kept drinking until I practically numbed it all away.

Whenever I feel low and get a negative attitude, I also remind myself of how far I have come.  A year ago, I could barely function socially without an alcoholic drink. Now the social side of things do not bother me 90% of the time, infact I have become more interested in people in general and my discomfort has eased dramatically.

Now I am at the point where I am learning how to deal with people. One of lifes hardest challenges I believe. I get angry and frustrated with people and I am not quite sure how to handle certain situations. I am sure this will get easier with time.

I used to think I was a quite a social butterfly when I was a drinker, now I am not quite sure what others saw in me because I was really quite selfish. I am sure the conversation almost always centered around me otherwise I would have been bored.

Now, I find that instead of looking for alcohol to numb everything, I am looking for adventure and fun to keep me entertained and help enjoy life.

But, the early days of sobriety are way behind me and my journey continues. It will be interesting to see what I write a year from now.

What is going on in your sobriety? Feel free to have a ramble here…

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Tags: Being Sober, early days of sobriety, first year of sobriety, how strange it is to be sober, I was a really bad alcoholic, living a sober life, looking for alcohol to numb everything, real sober living, sobriety ramblings